I write this with mixed emotions. A couple of days ago the birth mom contacted Gene for the first time since October 11th, 2013. On that day Gene actually texted her knowing she might be hurting since that was the day our adoption became final. She always compliments us as parents and she has always been so sweet. On Mother’s Day she texted me saying that I was a great mom, which of course made me cry thinking that she knows her baby is in great hands (we think so at least).
For those who do not know our relationship with the birth mom let me tell the story real quick (those who do skip this next paragraph):
We received an EMAIL that we were chosen by a birth mom (apparently I wasn’t answering my phone and our agent emailed us) and that it was a BOY! He was due in 2 1/2 months. We had a conference call with the birth mom a few days later and she seemed a bit tough but I could not imagine how she was feeling. Then as time went on we talked on the phone for a couple of hours and she invited us to dinner to celebrate her birthday. Driving to the dinner I really thought I was going to have a heart attack and then waiting for them to arrive was extremely nerve wracking (we ended up telling our wait staff what was happening so we could have privacy). They arrived (her and her fiance) and the second we met we got along SO well – we ended up there for 3 hours just chatting. She kept calling the baby OUR SON and was so sweet to tell me to touch her belly and feel him move. We left feeling hopeful but still guarded (birth moms change their minds all the time). Then just 6 days later we got a text that she was at the hospital and so we took off and it was just the most surreal moment of our lives. He was too early so we assumed it was just a false alarm but a couple of hours later our baby boy had arrived into this world. Then the 48 hours of waiting started, in Texas the birth mom has 48 hours to change her mind. There were moments we weren’t so sure and she had moments where she kept saying she was ready to sign. Then the time finally arrived and we all signed the papers. We all cried and held hands, I cannot begin to tell you how that felt. When I left the room I burst into tears. We had a son, not only that they told us we could take him home in just 1 hour after signing. Talk about SURREAL! After that we kept getting updates on the birth mom through our agent. She suggested that we let the birth mom have some time to heal emotionally. She contacted us 2 weeks later and we all were very happy and she seemed relieved to know all was well and what a great baby he was. That was in early April and then she then contacted on Mother’s Day and that was it until Gene contacted her on our Adoption Day.
Then the day before yesterday I was home sick and Gene came home and said, “I heard from the birth mom today”. I don’t know why but my heart dropped. Usually in the past I would get excited to know she was still wanting to be in contact. I don’t know if it was the long “drought” of not being in contact or since we have known lately that she has fallen on hard times but I just felt a sense of dread. Then this incredible guilt washed over me, this woman has given us the greatest gift imaginable and here I was scared that she contacted us again. What was wrong with me???? I have always wanted a relationship with her for Camden’s sake and because I do love her for what she has done. So what was my problem? Then it hit me……
I have become a major mama bear. I have also become very selfish. I realized that deep, deep down I don’t want to “share” Camden. Every day that goes by I just love him 10 times more and I cannot imagine if I had to share that, selfish right???? All of this emotion happened BEFORE Gene read the text messages to me.
She got a new phone and said she will now keep in better contact and asked for a couple of pictures, then said that she was so glad we were all in each others lives. I KNOW God has brought us together and I had a moment of selfishness. But these are the REAL emotions of adoption. I haven’t read anything on this process….. I am taking it one step at a time. I feel much better today and I feel hopeful. I want Camden to know what an amazing adoption journey he has had and that he won’t have any lingering questions or mystery, his adoption was between two families that really like each other.
Camden is about to turn one in just a bit over one month and I am having fun planning his birthday party (that he won’t remember)!! I am going way overboard and I know it but this is something that I have thought about for YEARS so everybody just needs to remember that this is more about us being ABLE to celebrate our baby’s 1st birthday than the actual event. It is much bigger than a birthday party for us………..